Experiencing the Aging of Parents

A Journey for Adult Children

As parents age, the experience is often a first for adult children in their fifties. The signs of frailty and cognitive decline become apparent, and some parents receive alarming diagnoses. While some battle through their illnesses, others may succumb. Over time, the roles reverse, and children become caregivers to the ones who raised them. For parents in their eighties, items like Depends become as necessary as the diapers once were for their children. This circle of life, while inevitable, is psychologically challenging as we witness the decline of our parents, a stark contrast to the growth and development they once saw in us. 

The childhood home feels different when one parent passes away, mainly if the parents had stayed together. Visiting "Mom and Dad’s" becomes visiting just one parent. These changes can be challenging to adapt to, especially for children who live far away and face these changes anew with each visit. The grief of losing a parent is compounded by witnessing the remaining parent’s evolving personality and health challenges.

Caring for aging parents often means a delicate balancing act for children living nearby. They find themselves juggling numerous doctor appointments and their own responsibilities. This includes managing grocery runs, ensuring proper nutrition despite fading appetites, and making the home safer with additions like railings. Encouraging parents to use security pendants or watches and to call before attempting risky activities also becomes part of their daily routine. For children living far away from their parents, there are other issues for them concerning their parents. They can feel guilty for not being able to help more or to assist their siblings in their care of Mom and Dad. They can feel quite helpless and still have to accept their limitations, be they geographical, financial, etc. Everyone can understand things rationally, but emotionally, it can be very difficult to be away from home and only able to get back periodically. 

The later phase of aging - what next?

Beyond the practical concerns of living in their own homes, the question of when to consider assisted living or nursing homes arises. This includes dealing with the logistics of such moves, visiting schedules, and managing the emotional and physical burdens that can fall disproportionately on local siblings. Issues of inheritance, the rising costs of extended care facilities, and the feasibility of self-managed care come into play. The onset of dementia adds another layer of complexity, as parents may no longer recognize their children. These experiences evoke a range of emotions in adult children—disappointment, sadness, fear, and anxiety about the future. While death can sometimes bring relief, it often stirs the inner child who longs for the past. Anticipatory grief sets in as we acknowledge that the time with our parents is dwindling.

During these challenging times, counselling can be a beacon of light for adult children. Professional guidance provides a safe space to process emotions, develop coping strategies, and find support. It can also facilitate discussions among siblings and other family members, ensuring a more coordinated and compassionate approach to caring for aging parents.